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Monday, September 03, 2007

in the pain,is there healing?

[[[Edited]]]

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12.55 pm
and all i did in the last 2 hours was
hearing a feeble excuse and trying desperately not to mock myself
laughin at the msges sardonically
oh did i mention, sarcastically?

taking random pictures of my mini-blackboard

pink and yellow chalk
vandalizing them with love and making lil X-es with my fingernails.

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then..
more
doodling and listening to Lily Allen

sucha gr8 song.
u gotta hear it.
i played it 19 times and counting already.

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Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt





Q: why am i not doing maths like i should?
A: i should?

----------------------


32 seconds.
i know. cuz i counted.
thats how long it took for that tear to dislodge itself from the cave which trapped it.
32 seconds
before the itch became unbearable.
Till i had no choice but to let them flow.
down down down my cheeks.

i guess itchy eyeballs are my weak points.

i woke up with charcoal-stained fingers and a rather black palm.

Outside it was raining and then,there was the water on my face too.
but it was warm and it wasn't rain.

i stayed up till 3 plus.
the message sent at one plus.

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no, im serious. i really expected it.

after reading the first 5 words, i didnt have to read further.
immediately, without me even realizing it.

I started singing "Till i see you" over and over again
till the lyrics and meaning started to sink in.

i laid there,back on the bed,
eyes staring rather blankly at the wall.
tried to focus on a single point.
stared at the red blinking light on my air con.

waited for the water to evaporate.
licked my lips to feel the saltiness.

chanted its okay its okay i love you God i expected it anyway its okay. no really im fine.
I EXPECTED IT right?

ha ha ha.

i bared my teeth to face the ceiling.
pulled every single face muscle back to form a big smile.

it started to rain outside and you know,the storybooks,
they always say

"pitter-patter"

but the rain that fell last night
so late in the a.m

it went more like
"thud thud thud"

maybe its just the rain in my neighbourhood.
or maybe its my ears.

i wished i could say i fell asleep to hearing that
but no i didnt
i stayed wide awake
till bout 3 plus 4

until i.
i guess the word is drifted.
yeah. thats it.

drifted slowly to unconsciousness.

jerked up wide awake at 8.19 in the morning.


im such a silly person arent i.

a trip to the toilet.
washed off the charcoal stains.

bright blue nail polish.
my fingernails seem more happy than i am.

tap tap tap goes my keyboard keys.
ysterdayy at art friend, my heart was happy and it went bip bip bip.

i face everything around me now and
all it goes is bippppppppppppppp.

a long monotonous dry ..sound.

like the heart machine beside hospital beds.

doesnt help that since my father came back from overseas,

the situation at home has gotten a thousand times worse.
walking around in the house is like back in those war times.
im trooping around on an active mine field.

to make it worse, im the only soldier in this battlefield.

just waiting to see whose raw nerve i provoke.

mum's or dad's?
mm.
maybe both.
possibly both.

Confirm Both.

then.. the sound of explosives being set off.

bam.

1026 am only.
why am i up awake when 100% of my friend are zonked out in their beds?

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i wish the day could end earlier and tuesday would come quickly.
i wish i could sleep more hours.
i wish im a lil happier today.
i wish that i wouldnt get disappointed over and over again.

i wish .

no.
i dont wish for anything.

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maybe we'll go too far,we just dont care


abt me.

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SHERLYN WONG.
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