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Monday, November 26, 2007

i should have seen it sooner.now,why didnt i.

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(this is an extremely personal and heart-felt entry. any retard comments on my tagboard and off to eljay land i go. so shut up,kthxbai.)

this weekend was supposed to be a blast.
of fun, of friends, of merry-making, of love and of genuine smiles.

not of losses and heart aches
nor deceit/anguish that tears at the very living organ in which you literally have to survive on.

i got my heart broken.
it slammed four times in a row.

bernie's church on saturday.
it was pretty fab.

saturday came and went and behold.
sunday.
25th november 2007.

i dont think i will ever be able to forget this day.
i think..
it just might be the worst day of my entire life.

(who knows? 0 seven's not over yet. ha. ha. ha. )

siloso beach.
sentosa with zer,derrick,kim yip,mereith and zy.
beach volleyball.
checkin in to our hotel.

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the fantastic jacuzzi.
the best suite.

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then suddenly,

the guys jostled around.
and then my camera dropped into the jacuzzi.

it was only for a moment
but the damage was done.

a cuppa of days ago, bestie and cons dropped my camera and i watched it bounce off the lenses
and there were cracks but.

it didnt matter.
because it could still work.

and it survived.

this time round,
my camera.
it completely went flat.

ka-put. died.
gone.

this might seem pretty melodramatic to you , considering that this is just a camera.
but seriously? to me, its not.

im not on very very good terms with my dad.
with the fact tt he's working overseas and i rarely speak to him.

this camera was a gift.
say..1 or 2 years ago. i cannot rem.

it cost 700 bucks and it meant A LOT to me.

it means a lot to me.
a lot.
A LOT.

i saw white.
i literally saw white.

i was fuckin fuckin fuckin pissed with them with everyone. even with God.
for taking away the camera.

i got so mad.
and i never even saw myself so angry before.

i locked myself in the toilet and fuckin hurled abuse to myself.

first my MAC crash and then now this.

and barely hours into this whole "holiday" ,facing this shit.

camera spoilt.

i cooled myself down.
i didnt want to spoil the mood.

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i brought my polariod along.
wanted to get new film.

went vivo and harbourfront.

the woman told me that THE COMPANY MANUFACTURING THESE POLAROIDS CLOSED DOWN. CANNOT GET IT ANYMORE ANYWHERE. EXCEPT FOR OLD STOCK.

what.

the.

hell.

i only used my polaroid for special occasions.
was a bdae gift THIS YEAR for my bdae.
from rach and the people that matter.

i only used it 3 times.

THREE TIMES.

and now..?

i couldnt believe my luck.

i told myself, it wouldnt be a surpise if i were to lose my ipod next.

we went for dinner at sushi tel after that.
daytona-ed and i killed derrick in time crisis.

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total ownage.
he said it's TYCO.
but you know.
guys and their pride.

back to SENTOSA.
an incident happened.
i got so mad with him and her.

went up to the jacuzzi by myself.
that was when i seriously broke down.

i seriously. cared for him.
precisely the reason why i tried to hold back my words.
but all he could do was go on and on about * and she seemed to be egging him on and it made me seriously disappointed.

temptations that lurked.
could you resist them?
did you?

all those messages, they mean nothing if you send them but do something else.
i couldnt show you how i feel.

i sat there.
in the dark.
watching the view from above.
and it was chilly and cafe del mars music blasting.

sat there for hours and hours.

i thought about what God was trying to show me.

the possessions i prized the most.

camera.
ipod.
Mac laptop.
Polaroid.

and above all these, the people i love the most.

i needed to know what God was trying to show me.

so at twelve, i messaged him.

and.

my worst fears were confirmed.

he's got another girl now.

oh its ironic isnt it.
i go about blogging everyday about my daily encounters with the diff guys.
mj boy. braces boy.
strangers and eyecandies in school.

a flirt, do you guys presume me to be?

but who are they to me and who are you?
what's your ranking in my heart?

i kept myself apart.
i didnt allow anyone in.
cause i was saving that space for you.
waiting for you to finish your exams.
for you to ,as you say in the texts,
'come back running.'

i did not move on.
i tried to.
i kept moving moving,
but i kept that spot for you.

it was reserved in your name.

and no matter, each time how u disappoint me.
from the sicknesses, to the hospital, to the almost-divorce,to the O levels, to the just-needing-you-to-be-there moments.
to hoping. to falling. to wishing. to praying. to waiting.

no matter how many times you brought me down with a single message or rather,the lack of it.

i still waited. with my hope in God and in you.

and that is precisely the reason why i couldnt find strength to delete the messages and pictures from my phone/mac.

because inside, i was still waiting.

Lastnight.
25th November.

there is a new girl in your life.
if you are even reading this,may i question you on the reason of our break up?

it hurts me.

it. hurts. me.

one "yup" from you.
thats all it took.

i deleted everything last night from my phone.
i thought about my mac.
and i realized it crashed. meaning
i have to reformat and right now. everything's gone too.

yesterday night, i lost everything that mattered to me.
do you see the link here.

from the mac, to the camera to the polaroid. (i used it 3 times. the third time was all for you.)

i went down and i couldnt find my ipod.
we searched everywhere.

i didnt even feel. anything.
it was just.
yet another.

loss.

and then. they found it again.
in Zer's bag.

and then i thought, maybe there is hope after all.

i prayed. and i cried so hard.

this space.
it's taken up.

not by you anymore.
and not by anyone else.

i waited for you.
it was in vain.

and this time, i am not going to be foolish enough to fall for words and promises.
words mean nothing to me anymore.

thank you for showin me that and may you be happy with that new girl in your life.
yup.

-----------------

they all left the suite.
i was left alone.
i called pris.
and i cried so hard.
i think..weeping is a better word.
and she understood.
and she knew.

how my heart hurt.
from all these broken relationships.
from all these detachments to the other materialistic things i treasured.

cherish.
treasure.
lost.
hope.
faith.
strengthen.
me.

i refuse.
to give up on God.
i refuse to disobey.
i refuse to turn my back on Him.
i have Faith that things will get better.
it may get worse.
but this is temporary.

A. D. S.

SAD.

ha ha ha.do you get it.

it mocks me.
i miss them.

im keeping quiet.
My God will vindicate me.
things will get better.

it will.

------
they came back.
we talked a lil.
tried to sleep.
but couldnt.
watch the 4 of them in their beds.
watched derrick.
saw him toss and turn.
heard their laboured breathing.
talked to God.
finally.fell asleep around 5 am.


--------------------

jacuzzi.
volleyball.
it rained.
we countined playing.
things got a lil better between the both of us.

-----------

checked out.
Vivo.
got ben and jerrys.
hung around a whie with zer,derr and his fren zhi wei.

got home.

thought a lot.
am still thinking.

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here's my favourite photos.

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pictures courtesy of zer's camera phone.*

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maybe we'll go too far,we just dont care


abt me.

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SHERLYN WONG.
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