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Saturday, January 02, 2010

2009. 2010.


i am at a full-stop.
When the wall you have, the wall that secures and blocks crumbles into motar and dust right before your very eyes, you realize with dread and cold fear that nothing's going to be alright again and most of all, most importantly of all, nothing will be the same again.

Hard as you try, blind as as you stumble,
i am both weak and lost with all senses sharply muted.
i do the usual with swollen eyes and agony as my companion.
my heart has been twisted, why have you twisted my heart?

so many knots, complications mistrust and tears.
why have you twisted my heart.

I hate this space now because of the h8ers and people who have come to judge.
you see me smiling in pictures and critisize my lifestyle, call me a bastard child and despise and shout at me just cause i say i miss God? What right do you have to shut me up when i cant even hear my own voice.  Im tired of all the malice of all the pain and all the undeserving punishments.

I dont blog here daily anymore what i do.
You guys see pictures of the places i sometimes go, not the everyday stuff, the visits to the hospital, the situation back home, the unexplicable joy i feel when i arrange dates to hang out with my mum. do you see all that?
All You see on this page, with rare updates is this party animal, this 'lost cause' , this lost sheep of God but do you see what i see, feel and hear everyday. Are you really me, have you been me?
You call me arrogant and useless, state that im a scum of society,  insult my online store, 
i can tolerate all that but the one thing i cant, is the fact that i dont care about my family.
You call me useless, that im not fillial.
Have you seen me with my mum and dad, Why should i post about my family, why provoke sympathy for a  'lost cause'. I keep the things to myself, you see as you deem fit, you think you are 'exposing my secrets' but you are not. You are merely seeing things for the facade that they are. 

I am not cruel and neither am i heartless. I may be a lost cause but i am fillial to no extent.
I am cowardly because i cannot face pain. I have seen death felt death kissed death and i am not going there anymore. This year has been a bad year for me, so many things happened.
anniversaries of deaths and sadness and sickness and guts and courage and trust and mistrust.

Bad things happen to me, i swallow them in private.
Who are you to lurk behind anonymous names to scream disdain at me.
I may be known as sherlyn sunshine wong, you might think im a party animal or some arrogant bitch, but for the life of both you and i, unless you are zermaine, phylicia or priscilla, please dont try and figure me out for the person i portray myself to be on this blog.
i am tired of coming home to insults for things i have not done, for labels i have not asked for.

I just want things to be simple for my dad to be okay for my future to be not so dark and for things to be happy and for a home to come home to and FEEL like home everyday. 
not labels of a bastard child, for my lack of fillial piety for my 'fucking ugly' looks and whatnots.

You say i am a lousy christian but have you thought for a moment, that maybe im just too tired? that after years of going to church and having your entire world crumble in seconds over and over again after all these years, just doesnt make all those church-going years okay.

I believe in God, i trust in Him as much as i did then and as much as I do now.
What i dont want, is to go to church every sunday and confess my mistakes and try to be holy when all these dark thoughts and sadness consume me. I just cannot rely on anything anymore okay. The day i lost my best friend to death and then my dad to sickness so please everyone, please stop bugging me to go church. I go when i am ready to lay all reliance on God again. 
Just because i dont go church doesnt mean i have backslided to Satan and act as it's helper.
I believe in God, and God only.
but please leave me alone.

Some hater commented and said all the usual insulting stuff plus the fact that i actually left to go guangzhou and left my family and dad back home.
Do you know it was a paid trip by nick's mother?
Do you know how often i text my mum to tell her i miss her and how i wish i could go back and see her. do you know all that, no you dont. 
all you see are my smiling photos and my obsession with fashion.
Do you know my dad used to be a textile manager and he made a top for me before the Stroke happened and i never even got to say thank you to him.

What am i supposed to do. mope around and be sad all day. cry and slash my wrists?
i dont do that i cant do that im not the kind to do that but i dont show my sadness cause i dont see the point.
i have my dark moments when im home alone and in bed thinking and when i think, dark sad thoughts and memories and regrets they haunt me. who sees that, only God sees that.
I dont like to let others in, on the sad parts. i just want to be happy. i am genuinely happy when i am with my friends but inside im sad too. cant you understand that. Why all the tags and insults about how everyone hates me. Dont call me a bastard child and what if my you were my mum, you disowned me a long time ago.

The relationship between my mum and me has been the strongest after my dad's mishap.
Even if we dont see each other already, we text everyday and i always check up on her.
So dont you dare say otherwise and dont you think otherwise.
If you dont know the situation at home, between everybody, dont try and figure out for yourself that i am 'the scum of society' and 'disgrace to all christians'.

thats all i have to say for 09.
2010, the 1st day of new year broke my heart.
i am going to be strong and try to stand on my own again.

maybe we'll go too far,we just dont care

abt me.

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