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Friday, April 16, 2010

du lan

hi, im back from bintan and 5 secs ago, i decided to update this space regularly again.
im going to do a pity party post (which is really irritating) so come back again to read tmr's entry if you are interested because the following one's going to be a selfish-mean spirited post by me.

Birthday Party Celebration
Everything was turning out great. headed to draycott drive and we had a mini pizza and beer party. I've always wanted a pinata and zer and pris were so nice enough to make me one but only flaw was it had *'s face on it. pinata didnt seem to work. i didnt get all my magic glitter and sweets pouring down. but it okay i really appreciate their hard work.

#2 fact about me,
i am a traditional thinking sort of person when it comes to birthdays.i love love love presents. i like receiving cards, handwritten notes, wrapped up gifts and i love opening them in the comfort of my solitude.
but these past two years, only nick and wifey has been doing that for me. and i know i sound fucking ungrateful but that part of birthdays mean a great deal to me because until two years ago? i was still carrying on that 'personal tradition'. And im really sorry guys but i really really dislike it when people come up to me and say 'eh i havent buy your present yet, pass you next time k' or 'i pass you your present next time, i never bring.' i prefer if you didnt say anything. really. and im really really sorry if i sound super ungrateful guys (im not, i really appreciate it k) but im not a big fan of alcohol so please dont give me alcohol as presents. for some reason, last year and this year, i've been getting that. no need k. just write me a note or something, i swear to God i will be much much happier.
i am sorry if i offended anyone of my friends with those words but it has been on my mind since last year's party and this year's.. presents mean a lot to me. i dont care what you give me, i just want something in my solitude to remember.

#3 i had fun cutting cake, and hanging out with the awesome people who came and made it to celebrate for me every year. this year was different, we headed directly to Zouk/Phuture after the pizza party. opened 3 bottles @ phuture and it was all bout 600 in total thank you everyone for willing to spend so much. appreciate it.
so it started out all good until i went outside after a few drinks at 12 ish, then we saw joey outside, drunk. took care of him . i seriously dont mind and i got pissed with nick for awhile cause i cleaned after his brother, he was over there playing frigging five ten and drinking and having fun. i dont give a fuck that its my birthday but the least you could do was look after your fucking brother when he's not welling well. his stomach was hurting and he was puking.( FOUND OUT HE VOMITED BLOOD WHEN HE GOT BACK)

nvm. after spending 2 hours? or so outside. Someone else got drunk. i dont want to say who but i got FUCKING FUCKING ANGRY cause my poor friend's lying there on the floor all drunk. so i went up to look after her. fuck everything just run there. and three absolute bitches came up to me and laughed and said your friend needs water and some panties.
i yelled like a mad dog at her, eh fuck you slut fuck off you cbai bitch.
and they just walked off.
a guy ran across the road and said he was a doctor, ''you should send her to alexandra hospital' Blah blah. and everyone kept staring at *lying there.
the fucking valet took motherfucking long to come and everyone drove back home with joey in the car also.

by then i seriously dont feel like going in already and i was still mad pissed at nick cause i wanted to go back in the car too and he refused to let me. say its my party all. which i seriously dont give a fuck cause i wasnt enjoying myself much after everything that happened and i stayed outside zouk for so long. seriously fuck it.

BUT NVM, i went in and CCB SOMEONE STOLE/DRANK FINISH my bottle of vodka which i saved for the last cause i dont really like chivas and tequila.
before i went outside phuture at 12 ish, i just opened the third bottle and when i got back, not a fucking drop.

i was perfectly sober but so damn upset with everything that happened. i just sat there in my chair and cried.
then suddenly everyone's hands were on my head patting me and i felt so bad cause they came to celebrate and i was outside 3/4 of the time, come back cry like a loser. i shooed them off asked them go dance and vikram doesnt like dancing so we sat there and he cheered me up we played silly games and did something illegal in the club. (some guy saw and gave me the thumbs up which at that time i found really funny but now, so juvenile.)

#4. i brought my frigging dslr into the club to take pictures and the bouncer said i couldnt because this was a professional camera. wow. great.

the club closed around 3 ish 4 if im nt wrong and then we headed back to simpang to get food and there, i really had fun mingling with gab and his friends and we talked bout loads of stuff before heading home at 5 ish 6.

then, #5
in the cab at around 5 am i told my mum i will pick her up tmr cause my godfather said we were celebrating my birthday and i was so excited for lunch with them cause last year (THE ONLY YEAR) they didnt celebrate with me, my mum wanted the specific timing and place and kept quarreling with me so we didnt manage to celebrate it last year. likewise, we had a tradition. i always got a cake from four leaves (the chocolate one, its super awesome and cheap u all must try) from them. last year i didnt cause of the fight. and this year..
so my mum replied at 5 am, "OK''

i woke up at 2 , so fucking tired but still excited cause last night didnt go well and i was lookng forward to lunch. and i msged my mum and she called me and said "PICK ME UP FOR WHAT?"
i cannot eat, i got blood tests tmr i told you already. and i was like WTF WTF.

you guys might not think its a fucking deal but my fucking birthday lunch with my mother every year means a lot to me and i got so upset i started bawling after i put down the phone and poor nick.. couldnt get me to stop. i cried the whole fucking day. my mother msged me said the bintan money (which my godfather gave me) was at home. so i went home to take it, and it was hundred sing worth of rupiah and ZERO money from her. I get a present from my mum and godfather every year and last year and this year? SAME fate. zero.

whatever the case, fuck it i went to bintan and poor fucking nicky spent 600 dollars for both of us cause i had no fucking money to pay. i felt so bad for him cause i spent the entire sunday crying, saturday crying, and monday, having my silences cause i kept thinking, thinking.

which is why recently i keep saying in this life, there's only you and i, you refering to nick who has gone through all my fucked up crap with me. knows how much presents mean to me and got me one and a cake and i know i sound like a fucking spoilt brat but really, just once, can you make me giddy with happiness. can you please keep all my personal traditions for me and eat lunch/dinner with me and get me my cake and presents and give me presents at my party so i can unwrap them secretly and smile and be happy. for the other 364 days i feel like fuck but for the past two years, that one day i hold so fucking close to me (i dont know why) one day i want to feel specialy and happy and be truly happy, i always end up getting sadder and more miserable.

i msged my mum, " im very upset. what am i supposed to do in bintan for three days 2 nights with 1 hundred dollars?" i know you have your blood tests and problems but cant eat but cant you just accompany me. and PLEASE SPARE A THOUGHT FOR ME."
with everything going on, with my dad, i know it's difficult for my mum but every day every fucking day, i wake up feeling guilty about living when my dad's lying there,and my mum so tired and hurting. but gawdamnit just take out a few hours please. can you do it for me, just make me feel like everything is normal, please. i want to feel normal and be happy but i Really really cant. every day i die a little inside, i cannot find the will to live. my friends dont see it. you guys cant see it. nick wakes up in the middle of the night to my sobbing. my mind is going crazy there are demons in my head and it hurts everything hurts and nothing's ok, not going to be okay and when nick, my nick, when he leaves for army where do i go? i have lost myself.

i was/am really pissed off with my mum. we extended one more night and she didnt even care to ask where the hell i was. so fuck it, i didnt say anything either. just stayed 4 there 3 nights in bintan. this year's birthday really really sucks. i know i sound ungrateful and spoilt but i dont even know how to express how i feel about all these.

anyway im back and black and i had okay fun there, just felt bad for nick who spent so fucking much on my birthday. he withdrew all the money from his account for the clubbing and pizza party.and ALL the money's gone. guys sorry but whoever who still owes him money, could you pay him back please, sorry.

went bintan, he broke his 1k note and spent 600 on gawd knows what because FUCKING BINTAN IS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN singapore.
1 bottle of water is $4
food costs more than $18 per person/meal.
jetski= $50, snorkelling $30.

i didnt really enjoy myself there cause everything's so expensive. but nicky didnt want to go back to singapore so soon cause of all the responsibilities and ugh army.
he's going army soon. what am i going to do without him. i am so dependent on him, i really love him so fucking much and i am really going to suffer when he's gone.
thinking about him gg to the army makes me want to fucking cry. i've spent the past 6 months or so, with him 24/7. how the fuck am i supposed to go back to that rotten home and just live?

im going to find a magazine btw haha fucking chic magazine emailed me ask if they could advertise KIX on the magazine. after what you've done to me? Go to hell.

with all this aside, thank you pris zer gab soon ming vikram nicholas wood eugene and gf,nikki?for everything you've done for my birthday year after year. im sorry i dont sound appreciative enough and i cant voice out all my unhappiness so please understand where i am coming from.
i love you guys and there's nothing better than all of your friendships.

thanks for all the texts and facebook well-wishes. love you everyone.
and i really miss rachel and ying nuo.

lastly, thank you nicky. i love you. more than anything else in the world. even though we fight and make up everyday. know this, i love you. In this life there's only you and i.

Lastly lastly, to the person who insulted my friends in the car by saying they are unreliable. YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT COMING OVER FOR MAHJONG already. fucking pissed off with you. you think nick's chauffeur? pick u up and send you home when you want to come over and stay over. i was seriously okay with you until you called my friends unreliable. AH FUCK WHO'S THE UNRELIABLE ONE. dont come to my party cause you dont drink and entrance is $30. NEVER EVEN DROP A TEXT AND TELL ME. LOOK AT AYE. he's on medication and cant drink but he came anyway just to celebrate my birthday. that's someone with heart. and Royston, poor guy didnt know gab they all but he still came and even though he disappeared and didnt drink much from us, he also paid to come and celebrate. that's someone with heart. you? NVM if you dont want to come cause you dont drink,how bout sending a FACEBOOK WALL MSG to wish? we hang out with you almost everyday when you are bored. you come find us, nvm. swa. we like to hang out also. you expect nick send you to and fro everyday. NVM. he still do. send you home at 5-6 am after mahjong. nvm, he's willing. i go along for the ride, i do my part as a friend and you call my friends unreliable and look who's the unreliable one.
No heart.

du lan.

maybe we'll go too far,we just dont care

abt me.

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