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Wednesday, June 09, 2010

day 3

there are a lot of things i dont understand and more i will probably never ever comprehend.
for example, for certain words string together can give you that feeling of inner peace, like 'this too shall pass' or 'come what may', or how tears are formed and how the nasty feeling of mucus and phlegm chokes you up, how some people can be so selfless and some, so selfish, some so caring and some so indifferent. how you can miss someone so much or feel the loss of something so great, you cant see anything else beyond that and how as fucked up as it sounds, you just give up, i dont fucking care anymore..

i have this tsunami of emotions but they are all of the same genre.
tidal wave and wave of loss.
so many people have been there for me, i appreciate it so much, but the one i need and want to see the most.. just cant be there for me.
not like he could help it.

its exhausting to wake up to familiar surroundings and feel distant, how the space in a room seems so much more vulgar when the one you want to see is not there, how loss can be interpreted in so many ways, how losing your loved one permanently feels no different from the one you are losing temporarily, how change flies in to mock and ridicule us. Today i heard from my best friend that her domestic helper's husband commited suicide cause he had stomach cancer and she couldnt go back to look after him. just like that, another life gone.
how that guy who drove the buggy into the pond died just like that, on the same day as my father and they were born in the same year. or how nick's dad told us tt that was his golf buddy. I like to think of that as more than just a coincidence, just like the yellow butterfly which kept flying and dancing it's way through the wake on one night at 11-12 am . and the colour was the same as that of the flowers all around the coffin. how the funeral was so short and why didnt anyone ask if i had something to say. or how every annoying uncle and aunty just clap me on the back and ask me to look after my mum. who's going to look after me. why doesnt anyone ask if im okay. thats my father, too. but its all over, like the song says, 'its all over.. its all over now' so honestly all i can do is suck it up like i always do year after year. there was this guy tim lee? i dont know who you are but you are a fucking douchebag who commented on my haloscan (i didnt even know tt was still possible) but hotmail informed me and that asshole said, ''if your room is so dusty, why dont you clean it and stop whining about it??" to which i firmly then and shall firmly now say fuck off cb (yes, shows a lot about my level of intellect when i swear like an ah lian but sometimes, only words like these can justify level of anger) nik (phy's best friend) taught me to reply the classic reply to formspring haters which is the one word, 'orh'.
effective, simple, classic way of showing the haters you dont fucking care. maybe i should put that into action instead of just cussing in hokkien like i always do. so much influence..

im so tired but being tired is good cause tired means you can sleep but i only get a single phone call from you each day from hell so dont worry baby, my phone is on ultra high volume for (PHONE CALLS ONLY), (iloveblackberryandtheirwellthoughtoffunctions) i will chiongsua pick it up when you call so call me. 1030 pm daily for 3 mins? is too short. did i mention how much i fucking hate the govt for imposing army? next sentence im gg to say something fucking mean so brace yourself for it.
how come when the guy who implented army, died, his policies didnt go down with him.

another thing.
mandai is such a sad place to be in. cold marbles everywhere. i've been to that place so many times i can hardly count. thats a pretty fucked up thought. my best friend came along with me on the day of the funeral while nicky was being shipped off to the island/jungle/hell, and we both agreed that that was the saddest escalator on earth. you can literally feel the gloom and despair. death was all around and not just in hall 4 where my father's body laid.
i dont understand the tears, the agony the pain, but i experienced them all the same. why all these traditions, these rituals when God is claiming all the good ones back.
my mum told me of the 45 days of mourning which is why for the next 45 days i cant have my room to myself and my brother , ironically as it is, asked me to add him up on bbm and when i asked him a simple question, fueled with anger and self-righteousness, i got a standard no reply. this family .. i dont even know what to make of it. of course, we have the occasional happy moments, but more often that not, im left feeling like the black sheep. it gets to me sometimes, it really does. how everyone went to my brother at the funeral and offered their condolences, all the hugs and pat on the backs and how i just stood there like a wallflower and typically, being ignored. i sound really pitiful so i im going to stop here.

the worst thing in the world is wanting your own privacy, outlet to let it all out and having it shown to the people you are supposed to be closest with but are everything but not. point of reference = brother and his wife who stay in the house. i never felt so shitty in my life, sitting in the living room and bawling my eyes out and watching them walk to and fro into the kitchen to room and back , all the while being oblivious to my presence. or maybe they just dont know what to say. well how bout fucking replying to my bbm msg about WHEN THE FUCK I CAN GET MY ROOM BACK.

gawd, im tired. its 952 pm i've typed a whole chunk of crap which i will probably read and cringe later and you still havent called me yet. fucking army. goodnight everyone who reads this crappy place and i would really appreciate it if people dont talk to me in real life about my blog its kinda awkward since you guys know i dont behave so sad and pathetic in real life so please, let my other half drone on miserably okay? dont bring it up please , i will be super pai seh.

maybe we'll go too far,we just dont care

abt me.

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