sometimes as much as you dont want to, you get up and walk away.events, connections and memories from years and years ago can come back and haunt you.
i realize that the past 2 months? left me feeling very shaky and uncertain and i have to find a way to get rid of all these emotions and go back to where i was 2 months ago.
i hope its not too late.
i realize that painful as it is, sometimes giving up on something does not necessarily mean its for the worst, the ending is better that way.
I realize that saying all these here is so easy and relatively less painful to type out but applying it in real life? thats where the pain goes wham wham.
my heart is a fragile glass cage, shaped like the devil's cape.
he wants to shroud me with all these confusion and dark thoughts but no enough is enough,
its time to leave.
my turn now.
and on a completely irrelevant note,
i was just using facebook last night and i was clicking through profiles and suddenly i came across my exboyfriend, calvin's profile and then his current gf's profile and somehow i got to her blog, and i saw a single post that made me feel sad for her.
haha calvin, i remember how a gazillion years ago, he was my fucking world and everything and all things pretty and the planet could do me no wrong. i swear being 13-14 was the best year of my life then somehow everything went downhill after that.
its amazing how calm and spiritually at peace with the world i was, while looking at his photos. AND THEN HAHAHA I SAW A PHOTO OF HIM AND HIS GF and call me psycho but i was staring at it damn intently and i JUST COULDNT PICTURE MYSELF HIM HOLDING ME THE WAY HE HELD HER (as in last time).
all those strong emotions i felt for him then, has completely disappeared.
i never thought i would ever be able to get over him but oh my goodness, whoever who came out with the saying, ''time heals everything'' has hit the fucking jackpot.
i cannot remember how he sounds like feels like smells like and i have very few memories of us even though we went through a fuck load and he was honesly, as stupid as it sounds since i was only 14, my first serious relationship. there are somethings that just dont go away though, i can remember the fucking pain i felt when i came back from japan and realized he 'cheated' on me and got together with some skank from work. the whole meritus mandarin period where i felt completely fucked and blank and insecure and then fastfoward a whole period and i rem a single strong die also cannot tell incident which i only told pris and zer and nick. lolol. but oh well thats it, i guess i brought this whole calvin incident up to remind myself that as much as i feel like fuck right now over certain issues and the whole period in my life, calvin lim taught me the first steps to letting go, all the once brand new emotions like love and anger, hate and betrayal and ultimately letting go, he really taught me a fuck load. (whether he realized it or not) and even though we never talked for years and years already, i am still damn bloody thankful that i went through it cause i probably will not be the strong miserable fuck that i am now. thanks ah, han rong.
