she loves him more than he will ever know, he loves her more than he will ever show
There are a lot of things and events in life that i dont understand. like how i cannot comprehend how a person can love for years and years but not do anything about it or how a fool can never forget, (not like there's a choice.)
i think letters are amazing, letters exercise your handwriting into perfection, thoughts into scribbles and words from emotions. have you ever received a letter hand-written by me from me to you before? i am mushy beyond belief. in my letters, i make you believe that i can actually, via words and promises, single-handedly carry the moon to you, all in one safe crescent piece.
to some, my letters are sad and broken. all the things that matter, all the words i've never ever said aloud, go into my sad sad letters and i've always wondered how the recipient(s) felt from reading down the broken junk i call my heart.
i am not sad tonight, i am quiet and find matters of the heart too elusive.
i cannot move in this world because this world, with all its reckoning and beckoning, scares me and sometimes, i really am so unsure. dont know where i belong, but i do want to belong. and i do right? i do belong to people, to God, to my mother, to my father, to my best friends, to nick.. but i just cant find comfort. what i want, i cant get. cant get the peace of heart cant get the comfort of knowing.
i guess so many bad things have happened that i am just too damn afraid to hold on to whatever little joy i have. maybe that explains a little bit of why im so materialistic, i get fucking happy when i shop and get new stuff, but am as eager to throw them away to get even more new stuff.
to maintain that short-termed 'happiness'. i am afraid to feel happy to feel safe because just cause one bad thing has stopped, doesnt mean another wont start. and with my dad's illness gone, i feel empty like even though i shld be thankful that that was the end of one big thing, it just means that another can come and over-ride this wave of short-term relief, relief that he's not suffering anymore but fear that one may come and attack my mum or the people around me whom i love so so much.
im terrified, life itself terrifies me.
oh well, got to learn how to be happy and positive.
i dont even know why the hell my name is sunshine on facebook.
shld swap names with wifey.
