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Thursday, June 02, 2011

1 year

in approximately a few hours or so, it will be june 3rd and that would mark one year since your death and one year later, i am thankful grateful and perhaps very much in denial of the feelings my heart and mind has managed to suppress for me.

i read somewhere on tumblr that 'forgetfulness is a form of freedom' and i cannot agree more.
and also, somewhere (again on tumblr) , 'my memory is my worst enemy' and hell yea am i able to relate to both sayings.

this one year has taught me nothing except thankfulness and despite everything that i've gained and lost, held on and let go of, i feel that i am still beyond blessed.
I am still not going to church and people may judge and point fingers say whatever you like but i know deep down that i still believe in God and no matter how wrong i know it is, i do not want to go back to church every sunday and let my emotions take over me again.

1-2 years ago, something major happened to me and i had a breakdown of some sort and i've told only 4 people which lead me to realize after that incident, i could never turn on or try and remember again which is good because losing your memory and 'losing' these emotions be it good or bad, will turn out to be a good defensive protective measure for me in the long run.

I know i err and fall short in many ways but i know that despite the bad decisions i make or the wrong habits i take up, deep down somewhere, there's still the same person that i used to be.
And this is what hurts, knowing that certain old friends cannot accept that or may have think i've changed. And just like that, we slowly let each other go.

because of habits? circumstances?

It's funny how everyone says time heals all wounds and im pretty sure that's not the case for certain gaping ones or worse still, wounds still freshly opened but not felt. (yet?)
i havent gotten round to feeling the true depth of the pain im supposed to feel or is it because i've turned into someone so cold and self-centered i cant possibly feel anything?
im worried, and yet i feel safe.

I remember on this exact day, june 2nd a year ago.
nick and i were having the best time of our lives at USS and i felt so happy, like a kid again, feeling genuine happiness after a long long time and staying over at his place when the sudden phonecall came, in the wee hours of the morning and all i remember was feeling groggy and confused when nick passed the phone to me and said, im so sorry baby and then i heard my mum's wailing on the phone and i instantly went blank and everything was stumble stumble try not to stumble, do it in order. do everything in order.

then the wake.. the funeral, june 7th.
which was also coincidentally nick's enlistment into the army and i couldnt send him off because i had to send my dad off (ironic much? ha) and i remember feeling torn and lonely and my best friend was there to make sure i did everything okay and i remember feeling the reliance and surge of love and gratefulness when i saw her approaching me and when i hugged her.
june was an intense month for me.

it's been 1 whole year since your passing, daddy.
I hope you are up there, safe and watching over us.
I hope i will never forget everything that i can remember of you.

maybe we'll go too far,we just dont care

abt me.

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