Wednesday, December 19, 2012
The year is drawing to a close and with the hopefully impending doom of the end of our days this friday (I am secretly looking forward to it), I find myself doing what i do best these days- overthinking.
A couple nights ago, i hit a really bad speed bump emotionally. I was drained out, exhausted and I couldn't find it in me to fight for myself. I think the saddest thing in the world is when the people you love give up on you. Im not one for giving up on others but to give up on myself and loathing every morning and night, it reeks of depression and I would like to think Im smarter than the D word.
feeling pretty aimless in life, been knocking back way too many drinks both alone and with friends and yes i know its's incredibly unhealthy but hey im incredibly unhappy so i guess it all sort of balances out in a twisted sick kind of way. the silver lining in this sad tale is that i am SO GRATEFUL that im a beer girl and not a champagne lady cause at the rate im drinking? that's no way i could afford 'popping bottles in the ice'.
I hope life gets better for everyone, i sincerely hope everything works out for the best. the most valuable lesson i learned the past few weeks is that no one deserves to be taken for granted, as jaded as things may be. with every ounce of regret in me, i wished things would have worked out for the both of us. I wished i wasn't a demanding bitch who expected things to go the way i want them to, all the time. I miss us not hanging out all the time, 24/7. I miss the days of comfortable silences instead of awkward bouts of holding my breath while watching 'typing...' on whatsapp. how i hate whatsapp. it makes me feel distrustful and paranoid. I miss everything about us, even the fights. I miss the look on your face when something excites you or when you are 'mind-blown'. I miss your mum and I miss your dad, I miss our cat and and our little hamster. damnnit. i miss everything. but above all else, i miss you and the way you make me feel. safe, protected, needed. i really hope everything works out in the end, i really do.
maybe we'll go too far,we just dont care