Dwelling

The past week saw me in Bali, stripped of my wallet and health. (aiyo, so melodramatic)
Through it all, I really really blamed God for all the negativity and trials and just all the shit that keep piling up. So much has happened this year, a lot to be thankful for, a lot to be bitter about.

Realized that getting things replaced are easy. Physical ones, I mean.
Get a new IC, get a new credit card, debit card, ez link. Earn money get it all back.
Painful on the pocket, yes. Tiresome, yes. Helluva hassle, also yes.

But I will also not forget the wonderful people at La Villais (Seminyak, Bali) who let me lie there on the sofa of their restaurant, beating the heat with a cup of complimentary guava juice. Where I was so sick and sore and bitter about spending the last day in Bali in pain and the first night being so upset over the loss of my wallet. their kindness. The patience of my best friend who accompanied me through the day. The concern I got from the people who care.

Is this my silver lining?

The first sunset I saw, the sky was ablaze. And the roar of the ocean enthralled me, I felt it rock my bones. And on the second day, a different ocean, a whiter, clearer, purer one. The waves, the serenity. the feel of the sand tugging relentlessly at my toes, drawing me in. lulling me into a false sense of security right up to the moment before crashing harshly onto the shoreline. This is how I feel about you.

Can I choose to forget the bad, to not dwell on the negativity? Losing this, losing that, losing everything. I mean, even I am bored of hearing myself speak about all these unlucky things. My whines on twitter/instagram. I can't even stand myself.

I went to Bali to escape my stifling life in Singapore and yet I came back with a heavier and quieter heart. When do things get better. Do they get better?

Christmas is coming. Then the countdown to a new year. Then a new year. Then chinese new year.
All these important dates, I have spent the last few major years of my life doing the same things. Now that change has beckoned, am I ready to embrace it?

So much fear.. but I read somewhere where loneliness is better than settling for something less.

And that's when I really woke up.

Last Sunday was a slap to my face, my ego and my pride. But I know better now.
I feel better now.


I don't think any less of you. or expect anymore from you.
I had a beautiful Monday. The weather was perfect.

Tomorrow, it's back to work.
f i g h t i n g